Learning to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Selfish

Why We Find It So Hard to Say No and What Lies Beneath

Saying no should be simple. However, for many people, it becomes a constant source of guilt, anxiety, and internal conflict. We accept plans we don't want, take on responsibilities that overwhelm us, and prioritize others even when we are exhausted.
And then a recurring question arises: why do I find it so hard to set boundaries?

When Saying No Feels Like Failing

Many people don't find it hard to help, support, or be available. The difficulty arises when doing so means giving up on oneself. Saying no is often experienced as disappointing someone, being selfish, or breaking an image of a 'good person' that we have learned to maintain.

From a young age, sometimes without realizing it, we learn that:

• Being loved is linked to pleasing others.

• Saying yes avoids conflict.

• Thinking of oneself can be interpreted as selfishness.

Over time, this learning becomes an automatic way of relating.

What Truly Lies Behind the Difficulty in Setting Boundaries

When someone fails to set boundaries, it's usually not due to a lack of character. Behind it often lies fear:

• Fear of rejection or abandonment.

• Fear of causing discomfort in others.

• Fear of not being enough if one isn't always available.

Low self-esteem, past experiences where setting boundaries had negative consequences, or family dynamics where personal space was not respected also play a role.

Setting boundaries is not just a behavior; it's an emotional process.

The False Myth of Selfishness

There's a great deal of confusion between selfishness and self-care.
Selfishness implies disregarding others.
Setting boundaries implies considering yourself as well.

A healthy boundary is not a punishment or an aggressive barrier. It's a clear and honest way of saying: I can do this, I cannot do that, this is my limit. Far from harming relationships, well-established boundaries usually organize them and make them more authentic.

When There Are No Boundaries, Burnout Appears

A sustained lack of boundaries over time often results in:

• Emotional exhaustion.

• Irritability.

• Feeling trapped.

• Unbalanced relationships.

• Guilt, even when resting.

Many people come to therapy not because they don't know how to say no, but because they can no longer keep saying yes.

Learning to Set Boundaries Is a Skill, Not a Personality Trait

Setting boundaries doesn't mean changing who you are, but rather relating in a healthier way with yourself and others.
It's learned little by little, by tolerating initial discomfort and re-evaluating beliefs that tell us self-care is wrong.

Sometimes, the first boundary isn't set externally, but internally: stop demanding so much of yourself.

To Conclude

Setting boundaries doesn't make you selfish.
It makes you someone who listens to themselves, respects themselves, and takes care of themselves.

And that, far from pushing others away, is often the first step towards more balanced and honest relationships.

If you feel this difficulty recurs in your life and causes you distress, therapy can be a safe space to understand where it comes from and learn new ways to relate without guilt.